Bitter

you know...now, I can sit back and assess everything that happened with a clear head. however that doesnt mean I have full recovery...I'm mature enough to decipher the difference between a diagnosis and a cure, or a healing rather. I've diagnosed the situation...and while that it may be too little too late-its important to be able to learn from your mistakes. Now i just wish there were some remedy to be told and that I could just be healed. While I can acknowledge where the problem lied that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt any less. I realize I'm still wounded. And before I can get myself together I can't deal with anything new or else I'd be like the girl Musiq talks about in "Previouscats" or the Bag Lady Erykah speaks about. I just gotta let the anger out...I think I've gone through just about every other emotion but now I think i might be a little bitter. So I'm fighting the feeling...well, not fighting it perse' because I dont apologize for my emotions EVER but I'm dealing with them and letting myself heal naturally. I just know I'm bitter and am trying to distance myself so things dont get out of hand because I believe the wrongs will be corrected and it will be right again. But I am mad...and I dont want to be...I'm not a really angry person...but I've started to notice I'm just not up for the bullshit like i used to be...I'm so much more raw than I've ever been before. I think I've been tainted by the realities of love and the real world. My bullshit tolerance is soooo low and I'm just not the same person. It's a bittersweet thing. Even if I am a bit more stern...I dont want to be bitter and definitely dont want to be that token angry black woman with a chip on her shoulder...so I'm just going to work on me so that I'm better for me and for whom ever is ready to build with me. He's already coming back ...I know he misses me but I'm not ready to receive him. I miss him but I'm mad at him...I know that sounds confusing. I just want to see him sweat and suffer, if he wants to talk - he'll have to wait. If he wants to make conversation I'll keep it short and cold. I speak and may even give a distant smile but he wont get an embrace and definitely no inflection in my voice. I just cant give myself away like that ...if you put your heart in a man's hands- he'll drop it everytime. Right now I'm picking mine off up from the floor.


Now Playing: "Teary Eyed" -Missy Elliot