Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Just Like The Writers

...I'm going on strike. I don't know whether or not it's something I'm doing wrong but I definitely keep attracting all the wrong guys. So, I'm going on strike. I'm just going to let the love quest take a backseat to everything else. Easier said than done, I know but I think it's necessary. I need to do some self-reflection before I end up slicing one of these knuckleheads. Doesn't matter what age they seem to be, I've had 21, 22, 24, 26...they all bullshit- they just have different styles of bullshitting me. One tried to play the sincere honesty guy who just wasn't ready, one tried to get me caught up in his black consciousness scheme, the latest whole thing was that "he was a grown man" ..."we're both adults"..."I won't look at you any different if you give it up on the first night"...You may not, but I will! They make me want to scream. So instead of waking my roommates up, who seemingly never have anything to do in the morning,  I'll just said fuck it and leave it alone. 

Now Playing: Celibacy Blues- Jill Scott
...Though, I'm not sure whether or not this strike will include dates or not, sometimes that free dinner is what gets you through the night. On second thought, I think they will- that's how the grown man showed his ass.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Taking the Sugar and THE LEMON

Today was my first day on the beginning of a big internship with the EVP of a major television network and while it's not directly fashion related it will help me get to where I want to go if I grind hard enough. It's 12:38 AM and it feels more like 4am- I've been up since 7 something this morning. In just 8 hours I've learned so much and met so many people. It makes me happy to have put myself out there and up for scrutiny for the sake of tapping into a connection.  
As great and challenging as my internship has been I'm (once again) dissapointed with how people [ergo men, or a particular man] decided to act. He saw me in our school's Punchout (the cool fast food cafeteria geared to upperclassmen) and did not say one single word. Then for whatever reason I saw him at happy hour. He generally isn't one to be on the happy hour/ bar/lounge scene - he's more of a house party guy so I never thought he would be there even though all his friends were but of all nights this was the night he was dragged out of the house. He basically said he had been distant because he felt bombarded with questions regarding us and how he basically didn't want to constantly be associated with me or be known because me or whatever..."It's all just too high profile for me, honestly." There goes that damn word again, "honestly". Whatever.  I'm done. 
It's so crazy how on a day where I learn the most and am faced with my future, I have some of the hardest personal  realities. I'm out of it. Tired. I have a headache...

Now Playing: Whole Town Laughing At Me - Jagged Edge

Monday, January 07, 2008


My friend always used to call me naive and gullible. The truth is I really am. People [guys] are always innocent until proven guilty with me but I'm truly beginning to think that it should be the other way around.
Here's the breakdown:
I've heard of Summer Love and Spring Flings - but I've never in my life heard of a Winter Break Romance. I feel so bamboozled and it didn't even happen to me. Basically my friends and I are at the party and this guy starts coming on to my friend. He's being uber aggressive and she is attracted too so they exchange digits and he takes it from there. Everyday he's calling her, trying to see her, they go out on numerous dates, hugged up in the club...it was a whirlwind romance. He met her momma, her dog, and she was beginning to get used to all of this attention. Initially she had her suspicions and even asked him about his current relationships, he admitted to "talking" to some girl from another state who was away for the break but he reassured her that it wasn't anything deep enough to stop him from exploring things with her.
So they continued...
This particular friend is extremely jaded and lets almost nothing really get to her but in the span of two weeks [before Christmas and after New Year's] he had begun to break down her barriers. She was almost open - when things fell apart.
Right when she started to care he pulled the rug right from under her, saying how he "didn't mean for things to escalate" and how his "heart" is really with the chick from out of state and how they've been through so much over the past "two years" and asked if they could still "be cool". WTF?! How convienient for it to be the day before her return. I was hurt.
I know it didn't happen to me, but it's happened before and happens all too often. Sure, "at least he was honest" but let me be frank...Honesty is a b-i-t-c-h! It's like he went out of his way to play her? What's the purpose of pursuing someone so adamatly just to renig a few weeks later? I feel horrible because I was really encouraging of him. I thought he was a sincere dude [yea, he's honest but I'm not so sure about how good his intentions were] and I wanted her to let him in and let her guard down a bit. Bad advice on my part, huh? I'm so freakin' gullible. You'd think that out of all of the misadventures I've had in love that I would be at least a bit jaded. Nope, not at all...to my demise. I'm like the bird that keeps running into the glass just because it seems see through. Hitting my head and falling back everytime. I trust too easily and don't make people earn it.
I never wanted to be one of those angry [black] women who always proclaimed, "_iggas ain't s-h-i-t!" but I'm honestly beginning to feel that way. There always seems some trick around the corner of bliss.

Now Playing: He Can Only Hold Her- Amy Whinehouse
Seek Those Seeking You

Am I the only person without a true New Year's Resolution? I'm not going on a super new diet that garuntees that I'll lose 50 pounds in two weeks, I'm going to continue my Sprite addiction, and I will still eat beef every now and then even though it takes a month to digest. Yes, 2008 will be a GR8 year but it there won't be any changes due to unatural causes.

So Caleb, my youngest brother, is going through a few growing pains. He's 13 and in the 8th grade at the largest and one of the most prestigious private schools in the southeast. He's struggling to find his place in it all. Don't get me wrong, my baby bro isn't a "lame", he plays football and baseball, has an array of friends but Big Sissy always knows when K-Bird is faking the funk. One of his friends from Pre-K came over and prior to his arrival Caleb goes, "have you ever had a friend who you've known since Pre-K [though I was never in Pre-K] and you don't see each other that often and when you get older they're a little lame but you still have fun with them so you're still friends?" Honest question, huh? Well, I replied, "You know, the tides change alot when you're growing up. People who are cool in elementary may be lame in middle school or they may not be and people who are the ish in middle school may fall off it high school or they may not. All that to say that you can't base your friendships on people's popularity and if you're friend is honest, true, and fun then you stay their friend even when it's not popular." My mother thought that this was needed advice as she sensed Caleb's reservations. "He wants to be friends with this kid Ryan" she said, "and yes, Ryan's a nice kid but Caleb wants to be his friend because he's the star football player, his dad is a trainer for alot of professional football players, and he's really popular. What I try to instill in Caleb is that you can't choose your friends like that and you should seek those who seek you, Ryan's not the one calling wanting to come over."

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a bit crestfallen when I heard this. No one wants their sibling to be a "reacher"- needless to say, Caleb's getting my special lecture on "how to have true friends and make it look effortless." Tonight was my last real night in the A-town and I went to the Poetry Slam at The Apache Cafe. As I heard all of the spoken word artists rhyme verbal revelations, I had an epiphany of my own. I too should seek those seeking me instead of constantly reaching for something that may or may not be there. While I may have the popularity [whatever that means] thing on lock, I don't always seek men who seek me. One of my friends/lovedoctors made a comment, "Yaz, you like guys that are hard to get". I'm not sure what that's all about but it is a bit true. Why don't I give the time to guys who are just as excited about me as I am about them? I too am guilty of "reaching". It's a mess, ain't it? It's true though and I'm not ashamed of it because everyone's guilty. We all are like little Caleb trying to find his way. Okay, so after talking it out with myself, the computer monitor, and my dog, Sole, I guess my resolution is to seek those and that which seeks me (only if passes my 10 point inspection of course!)
Happy New Year Everyone!
Now Playing: All For You- Little Brother