Nikki Says it Best

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/19/vtech.shooting/index.html

I was a revolutionary. In middle and high school, I clung tight to my "blackness" ...owned it, sold it every opportunity I had. When we had to do biographies on an american hero, I did Malcolm X. We had a compare and contrast paper to do in English...I argued that the Klu Klux Klan couldn't be compared to the Black Panther Party because the KKK was a fraternal organization and the BPP was a political party. In the 7th grade we had to draw and color this guy named Strevenski upside down...mine was Black! (0nly one ever made:) When Bush ran against Gore...I argued on behalf of the Democratic party in Government. When it was time for debates I was Pro-Affirmative Action...Pro-choice in a Southern, Predominately White, Conservative, Christian School.

In the 8th grade I had to memorize a poem to recite to my class and this is what I chose. I began my love affair with who I like to call, Nikki G.. I love her. She's womanly, powerful, real, gritty, and eloquent all in the same line. To this day, each time I read this poem I 1. laugh at how adult it was for the circumstance 2 . feel proud of my revolutionary ways and 3. am happy to be me

WOMAN

she wanted to be a blade of grass amid the fields

but he wouldn't agree to be the dandelion
she wanted to be a robin singing through the leaves

but he refused to be her tree
she spun herself into a web

and looking for a place to rest turned to him

but he stood straight declining to be her corner
she tried to be a book

but he wouldn't read
she turned herself into a bulb

but he wouldn't let her grow
she decided to become a woman

and though he still refused to be a man

she decided it was all right
-Nikki Giovanni

Now Reading : Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day, Nikki Giovanni

I KNOW BETTER BUT....
I should be doing something productive like cleaning my room, doing my econ homework, packing, or finishing this Hilltop article however, when there's an itch I like to scratch it.
So here:
This thing kinda' sucks really bad. Have you ever really wanted to move on, but memories held you back? Or maybe it was the pseudopotential for things to get back right again...I know the feeling. I miss HIM and HE is no where around...When I see him its a cold, dry "what up" and my guard won't even let me reach out and show him the things he used to love so much about me. He keeps floating further and further away and my spirit wants to reach out but my mind knows it will be to no avail. New girl or no girl...I know that situation won't be forever but even when they are over with our relationship will still be like a war torn country.

The Fool's Contentment
(this didnt start as a poem but my thoughts were so poetic I decided I'd entitle it)
by ME
I could do so much better,
I know...that's what everyone says
Sometimes though, you don't want better.
You want what you have, or had, to become better.
It is the ignorance of our hearts that yearns for this,
because in our minds we know better.

Agape
by my girl Jill Scott
"10
11
12
1, 2, 3 o'clock
no show no call
November
December
January
February
March
Mid-April the phone rings
I still love HIM"

Now Playing: Dont Forget about Us- Mariah Carey

To All the Boys I've Loved Before...

Part 1
We are not your mothers!
You have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
Yet you come to us wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time Trying to suck a lost sense of self dry
We have become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows
Have become much to accustomed to waiting for our empty beds to be weighed down with the body’s of men, heavy with the scent and the hands of other women and we simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally
Simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not.
Play Hester Prynne
Place scarlet letters on our chest
Become adulteresses, cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
Willing to settle for less
Willing to act like a little less then a goddess
Willing to sleep with the enemy
Men to scared to stop acting like boys, thinking we can love away their scars
So we take the lashes of their insecurities they pour on us
And lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls that we lose by the minute.
Part 2
You said you had a photographic memory.
But apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself and the ones you claim you love
The truth cannot be hidden
What’s clouded in darkness will always come to light my love.
You should have known that,claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn’t me
And I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all
I know that’s some easy shit to say but I’m still gonna try to live by itI’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in itI will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in.
I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shiny, full of the knowledge
I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty
I will remove this scarlet letter from my chest
And take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I’m sorry to her
I’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
And I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me

-Mayda Del Valle

I think I fully understand it all now....
Bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me I dont want you, but I need you, I love you and I hate you at the very same time See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad Never did this before, thats what the virgin said We've been generally warned, thats what the surgeon says God talk to me now this is an emergency And he claim he only with me for the pussy, You cut me deep son of a bitch cut me like surgery And I was too proud to admit that it was hurtin me I'd never do that to you at least purposely We breakin up again we makin up again but we dont love no more I guess we fuckin then Have you ever felt like you wanted to kill him and you mixed them emotions with tequilla and you mixed that with a little bad advice on one of them bad nights you have a bad fight and you talkin bout his family his aunts and shit and he sayin muhfucka yo mama's a bitch you know domestic drama and shit All the attitude he'll never hit a girl but he'll shake the shit out of me but im a be the bigger man big pimpin like jigga man oh i figure its Bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me I dont want you, but I need you, I love you and I hate you at the very same time See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad Never did this before, thats what the virgin said We've been generally warned, thats what the surgeon says God talk to me now this is an emergency And my friend says I shouldn't let him worry me I need to focus on the guys we gettin currently But I've been thinking and it got me back to sinking it This relationship, it even got me back to drinking now This Hennessey, is gon be the death of me And I always thought that I havin your child was our destiny But I can't even vibe wit you sexually Cause every time that you try I will question you Say "you fuckin them girls, disrespecting me? You don't see how your lies are affecting me? You don't see how our life was supposed to be? And I never let a nigga get that close to me! And you ain't cracked up to what you was supposed to be! You always gone! You always be where them hoes would be!" And it's the first time I ever spilled my soul to him! He fucked up and he know it G I guess it's bittersweet poetry...Congrats anyway Addyct

Now Playing: "Tell me what you Want" Mase feat. Total

Clearly You've been Reading So Just so you know...

I Still Love You
See everybody needs someone by their side
And I can't go on without you another night
Since companionship's been gone
My life has been so slow without you, you
See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you
And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you
See if you believe that you and me can change the world someday
Then you'll believe me when I say
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
So what do you think
Lets get back together (lets get back together)
There's nothin' it could hurt
It could only get better
Think of what it last felt like
For you and I to turn our nights
Into forever
See...see
See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you
And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you
See if you believe that you and me could change the world
someday
Then you'll believe me when I say
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself
Baby life without you is so dark (so dark, so dark)
Now I know it'll never be me lovin' someone else
This precious love
You're my shining star
I remember when we first fell in love
I was too young to know what it was
I couldn't address what made me melt
But quick to tell you how it felt
That love was so real
And it still is
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
(Duet with Pharrell)
Just think of the things we planned to do, me and you
Like changing the face of the moon that we once knew
So long as the sun is yellow, oceans are blue
And then we can laugh and cry the days and nights through

PS: I wont even play you for it...its cool. I may be wounded but it dont take a whole day to recognize sunshine, and if it's love the shit doesnt just go away. Give it time and we'll be back.

Now Playing: Throwback-Usher

Sometimes Others Can Say it Better Than you Could Ever Articulate

Mhmn bye bye
How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had
But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good
How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
When your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye
I know now I was naiveNever knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is
But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good
How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
When your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye
Is this the end ...are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here beforeIt's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known
So, how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
When your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye
"Goodbye" Alicia Keys *thanks yanna'*

You know ...if I knew back then what I know now, I'd still do it all again. However next time, I'd just stick to being friends. I'd keep my girls out of my decision making and I'd keep my guard up for just awhile longer until I was sure my love was requainted. Now maybe it's because of my feminine wyles...but I knew he'd be special from the day I ever spoke his name. But never would I have ever guessed that things would take the turn that they seemingly have...granted, I've been accused of taking things too seriously but its rediculous how we dont talk that much, how when we're in the same proximity those warm feelings that were once so present have vanished and replaced with cold awkwardness. I never imagined a day where an embrace would be out of the question...I miss those hugs. Who knew?
I dont mean to harp on the same subject, but a week without him can seem kinda' of bland. Sure, my times been filled with multiple meetings, model calls, studying, and hilltopics but its something that a quick sweet conversation can add. Its the little things I miss that you take for granted until they're not there. I'm nost saying I dont understand why things went the way they did because I do. He was taking up too much brain space...while that wasnt good, I didnt want him to be totally banished from my life. I mean he's here...technically but it's like that old song, "your body's here but your minds on the other side of town". Its kinda like a corpse...it's here but the spirits not. He's here but talking to him I get minimun response, no voice inflection, no emotion, nothing...just coldness. Does he hate me? How'd I ever let myself get to this point...never again will I EVER be this concerned.