The first step to recovery

I was saw that a step to getting over heartache is to write a letter to the person and then keep it to yourself.  While I express myself best in written form I don't see the point in writing to a person that will never see how you feel. 

About two weeks ago one of my favorite linesisters called me to catch up. When we got to the topic of men I told her how there was no one that I was really into to and that I was casually entertaining a few people but nothing serious.  Then she brought up that one... the one who I would drop all others for, the one who still had a piece of me for better or worse. The one that I can't seem to harden my heart for.  I couldn't even fake it and act like he never crossed my mind then she asked "Are you like in love with him or something?" Now, an easy and obvious answer would be "yes" but with further consideration I believe that I'm more heartbroken over what didn't happen. While we did/do have amazing chemistry - that kind of love at first conversation but there was no grand love affair to miss. It's more like an itch that was never fully scratched. An unfinished entry is what makes me still intrigued. I believe that love, or the idea of it, unfulfilled is worse than a break-up. At least when you break up with someone there's a reason and an end point. When things just end with no fizzle or fire it leaves you an addict, wondering when and if things are going to pick up. I feel like I'm rambling but maybe someone feels me.

now playing: wish you loved me- tynisha keli

Hazel

1. Put your music player on shuffle. I used my iTunes
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Respond in the comment box with your results!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Lay In My Bed- Mario (I’m not sure how I feel about this- no one has been laying my bed in a minute! It ain’t that easy…)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Round Midnight- Jazmine Sullivan (LOL- this is actually perfect, “round mindnight” I’m always up thinking- I had to start taking sleeping pills because I can’t sleep for thinking so much)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Soon as I Get Home – Bobby Valentino [Babyface Remake] (This is true, I need someone who can love and support me “a stack of major credit cards and with him I don’t have to ask”)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Angel- Leona Lewis (I don’t think this is accurate, I haven’t met my angel yet. No Romeo for this Juliet)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wifey- Next & SWV ( I hope this is a good sign)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Love Come Down- Evelyn Champagne King (I’m bout sick of all these songs referencing love – though I can’t help the way I feel! LOL)


7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
After The Rain- Mya ( Hopefully this means they know I’ll always be there during the rain and after it too)

8.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Taste Your Heartbeat- Uness ( sad but true- please discover and download)


9. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
She’s a Bad Mamma Jamma- George Clinton and P-Funk (LOL, pretty muuuuch)

10 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Relax 1 – Unknown ( so random, from one of the many mixtapes I download from Aaron Reid or Blind I)


11.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Mr. Bombastic- Shaggy (too funny- Mr. Luva Luva hmmmm)

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Party Pack- The Fewture ft. Graham Knox & Grip Playaz ( they always tell me “you fine but you party all the time”)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Goodbye- PPP ft. Jamila Raegan (not sure what this means)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
So Over You- Ashanti (Well, if I like them then this may not be true but I would definitely like to believe it! Which would explain why I’m heartless and have no feelings for anyone)


15. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Come With Me- Day 26 (They want me to be in the medical field like them LOL)

16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Beautiful Girl- Kenny Lattimore (Perfect fit!)


17 What will they play at your funeral?
The Corner- Common ft. Scarface ( Oh no, I hope I don’t die over no BS)

18. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Def Poetry Jam- Amanda Diva

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Bedtime- Jeezy ( LOL- enough of the sexual references)

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Walk It Out- DJ Unk

21. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Whip Appeal – Babyface (ya, I’m a sucker for it!)

22. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
T-Shirt- Beyonce (Hopefully that t-shirt doesn’t belong to another woman’s man LOL)

23. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Chronometrophobia- Outkast

24. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Rearview (Ridin’) – Bobby Valentino ft. Ludacris (True, I can’t help but lookback and laugh)


25. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Unfaithful - Rihanna

26. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
I’ll Never Hate Her- Lonely Limo Mixtape (IDK what this means)


27. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I Slept With Someone from Fall Out Boy and All I Got was a Stupid Song Written About Me- Fall Out Boy (terrible!)

28. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
What If I Fell In Love With You- Duffy

29. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
I Can’t Stop Loving You- Kem (sooo trueee)

30. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Hazel- Lloyd

Playing House

Is it just me? Or are there a TON of people shacking up these days? I guess Diddy and Kim Porter made it cool somehow but there are more unmarried young couples living together now more than ever. Is it because of the downturned economy? Would partners rather just live together and split expenses? Are people testing the waters before marriage? 

Maybe I'm just old school but I've never seen so many women (and men) just pick up their lives and relocate them to live with someone with no talks of marriage even in sight a lot of the time. Each time I hear of a new case of playing house I instinctively ask, "what does your mother think?". Just as I initially suspected, most aren't thrilled in the least bit.  

Don't get me wrong, I understand how your partner can spend days on end at your place or vice versa and it seems like it's a pretty economical and smart idea. Even during my summer days in New York I shared my living space with a significant other though I soothed my conscience by telling myself it was only for a temporary time until he got his own apartment (which was true) and then that he would only come on the weekend (also true). Since I have seen a tiny bit of what it feels like to live with your love so I can see the perks and the pitfalls. Perks- someone to help with bills, someone to hold at night (I think it ends there). Pitfalls- someone invading your limited closet space, socks, cups, shoes... EVERYWHERE, someone taking the cover. Yea, not as sexy as I imagined it. And from what I've seen of other people's attempts at playing house things can get really sticky from people feeling suffocated, domestic violence, to identity theft. It can get ugly! I think I'll just wait until I'm married to enjoy (and suffer) living with my man!

Now Playing: Rain- Dear Jayne ft. J. Holiday

My Worst Nightmare...

But one of my favorite songs by Etta James.

FRIENDS

You know readers, I've really had a serious case of the blues lately. I just feel like I'm kind of in a valley of my life. I'm really not where I want to be, still haven't had my "big break", and everything around me is uninspiring.  While I have vowed  to have a renewed attitude in the new year it's been tough to keep my spirits up as I still have not heard back from a position with an amazing company that I interviewed with before Christmas. Times are hard, simply put. 

As much as I try and listen and care for my friends I don't always feel like I have the same ear to listen to me. I constantly get phone calls about love lost, drama with friends, family problems- whatever you can think of I've heard. However when it's time for the table to turn I find myself up awake at night calling my mother at work. When I'm ready to actually talk people are busy, have to call me back, having a moment, or just can't handle the weight I feel and therefore aren't a suitable conversation mates. Have you ever really just wanted someone you could talk to? With fists full of friends I still feel like there's no where to turn.